


Win You All Over Again

by theparadoxic



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama & Romance, M/M, Mutually Unrequited, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-13 12:50:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2151369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theparadoxic/pseuds/theparadoxic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gavin Free has finally moved on; he had a new movie in production and he was seeing a beautiful woman that was working in the same industry as him.</p><p>But when his casting director signed a contract with Ryan Haywood to play the lead role for his film, he knew everything up to that moment was a little too good to be true. His defenses began to crumble into pieces, and it felt like everything he's worked for was careening off a deadly cliff; the world started to blind itself with a million different neon colors and threatened to push his progress back to zero, all because of the one man he fought so hard to forget.</p><p>Caught in-between moving forward and confronting the past, Gavin was about to write the inevitable epilogue of his own love story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Blindingly

**Author's Note:**

> The other day I was working on a different story but for some odd reason or maybe just a drastic change of mood, this one right here popped up in my head. It camped in my brain until I was left with no other choice but to type it all down.
> 
> That being said, updates may or may not take a while? I can't promise anything, please don't hit me... (´◠ω◠`)
> 
> And the playlist that kept me company: http://8tracks.com/specularites/win-you-all-over-again

When an associate asked how Gavin came up with the script, he couldn’t flat out confess that it was based on his personal experience. The piece was applauded as promisingly haunting, emotional and bittersweet – exactly every emotion he wanted to portray on screen. For every pat on the back and hearty praise Gavin got upon approval of the project, the more he realized how ridiculously young he was in retrospect of the writing process. The whirlwind of emotions he channeled in order to perfect the movie playing in his head was unbelievable for him to recall.

 

For Gavin, it was time to move on and move on he exactly did. In a relatively short amount of time, a big part of his life he’s kept hidden all those years will be brought to life; it was literally going to pull the deepest, darkest corners of Gavin’s being and expose it for all the world to see. Under previous circumstances he would’ve been livid at the idea, but now, now Gavin knew he was a better person. He was emancipated; he could handle himself better than ever.

 

“Hey, Michael.” The smile on his lips grew wider upon hearing his best friend on the other line. Michael was talking about Lindsay and the girl they’ve met from a rival broadcasting company. There has been a lot of persistence from Gavin’s friends that he should give it a shot, go out with the lady and see where it could go. Gavin would almost only smile apprehensively before giving them a polite ‘maybe’, but two weeks after he finished the screenplay, it was as if something inside him was set free. Gavin went out with her over the weekend, and he genuinely felt ready to commit in another relationship again. “Just wanted to thank you for setting me up with Meg, boi. Maybe I’ll ask her out again tonight, just feels good to be back in the market, you know?”

 

“Gavin! That’s the spirit!” Even though Gavin couldn’t see it, he knew that Michael was grinning from his side of the phone. “I’m glad you’re back on track, dude. With your booming romantic life and that screenplay you just finished – boi, you are on fire. Let me tell you, everyone in the studio’s getting their assholes ready for that project of yours. Everyone wants to be fucking picked! We all think it’s gonna hit the box office pretty well.”

 

Gavin let out an embarrassed laugh. “Well, if the expectations are that high, I might need to tweak a few things then.”

 

Michael’s tone turned hushed, a hint of humor evident as he spoke, “Hey, not to be a butt-kisser over here but y’know… If there’s any way you could get me in production of your little movie…”

 

Gavin got out of the elevator on his floor, walked along the hall and smiled at the people who greeted him ‘good morning’. It was nice to be accepted, to feel like he wasn’t completely alone anymore. Gavin spent a long time concealing his own self; plastered boundaries between him and everyone for so many years in the company, he wasn’t even sure how he managed to climb the corporate ladder without having a complete breakdown along the way. “Don’t worry about it, Michael. Currently on my way to meet the producers and casting directors, I’ll pitch you and Lindsay in if we need extra editors and stuntmen. You down with that?”

 

“Absolutely, Gav. Thank you.”

 

“No problem.” Gavin made a turn to the corridor and noted that the conference room’s door was already closed. He was late. “Uh, gotta go now. I’ll get back to you later, yeah?”

 

“Sure, no problem. Thanks again, Gavin.”

 

“You’re welcome, Michael.” When his phone made it back to his pocket, something inside Gavin suddenly turned queasy. There was a prickly feeling at the back of his neck, his palms disgustingly sweaty and his breathing shallow. “Must be the nerves.” After all, it was a big day for him. A day he would finally see his producers and, more importantly, the people his casting directors signed for shooting.

 

“Ah, the man of the hour!” The voice came from Burnie, whom Gavin strode towards for a handshake. “For a second we were afraid you’d forgotten about the meeting, Gavin.”

 

“No, no. Of course not.” In his peripheral there were around a dozen of people in the room, but Gavin was too nervous to look around and acknowledge everyone. He just had to be tardy as well, of all days. Some man of the hour he was. “Thanks for this, Burnie. It really does mean the world to me.” If Gavin could add ‘literally’, he would have but he deemed it to be an inappropriate time for irony.

 

Burnie smiled, patted him on the back, “Why don’t we introduce you to our guests today?”

 

“Gavin,” Gus, the main casting director, spoke from the other side of the room. There were people sitting behind him, whom Gavin couldn’t quite decipher from his perspective. A woman with raven black hair stepped forward and offered a hand, Gus introducing her not long after, “This is Arryn. She recently signed the contract as your lead female.”

 

“Hello, Arryn. Nice to meet you.” Gavin shook her hand and smiled, expecting to be introduced to the male lead shortly.

 

Gus cleared his throat. There was a man behind him, although before Gavin could look, Gus started speaking again, “Now, we had a few problems choosing the male lead. We know this means a lot to you and the audition was intentionally gruesome, it really was. But luckily, we found someone you might think is really suitable as the lead male.”

 

When Gus moved away to reveal the man sitting behind him, it was as if a thousand bricks were dropped on top of Gavin’s head. He suddenly wanted to adjourn the meeting because images were playing in slow motion and time was dilating, and when his eyes landed on the actor’s face, it was like everything in his sight was crumbling into a million little pieces, fragments of neon colors painting a hallucinating canvas in front of his vision. Gavin couldn’t see properly, he was convinced he was going blind.

 

The man was held out a hand but Gavin remained frozen. His blue eyes, his wavy hair, his sharp nose and his entire stride were all too familiar, and if it weren’t for the fact that he could actually deal with the emotions that were flooding him at that moment, Gavin would not have wasted any second to run outside the door.

 

“Hi, I’m Ryan Haywood.” His voice, it was as deep – deeper, even – as Gavin could last remember. And when he smiled, Gavin felt a bolt of anger rise up his throat. “I’m looking forward to working with you.”

 

Gavin simply looked at him, as if unable to comprehend his presence. And as he did, it was like every single memory of Ryan played in fast forward in his brain. There was a switch that flipped inside Gavin, and the moment he finally came back down to reality to shake the man’s hand, he knew that nothing good was going to come out of the arrangements.

 

Every single fiber of his electrified being told him exactly just that.

 

* * *

 

“Do you have any other candidates aside from him?” His shoe tapped nervously and angrily against the concrete of the restaurant’s entrance. A hand loosened his tie as he listened to Gus explain how behind they already were in the schedule, and how the contract’s been already signed with Ryan. “Bugger my ass,” Gavin hissed and dropped the call, partly in irritation but mostly upon the thought of having to work with that one person he based his entire movie on.

 

It wasn’t pure coincidence, how he poured all his pain and heartbreak into the project, but Gavin never actually told anybody about it – not even Michael. There was a professional boundary he had to respect, and he was well aware that exposing the true origin of the film’s inspiration was going to cause nothing but a barrage of questions about his romantic history. And that was the last thing he needed in his career.

 

Now, of all the circumstances possible and of all the talented actors out there up for the role, it had to be given to that one man Gavin struggled most of his life to recover from. Thinking about Ryan resurfaced so many unwanted emotions in him; Gavin did not wish to go back to the mere memories of crying himself to sleep after the entire roller coaster with said man, and sure enough having to direct Ryan’s acting for the movie would derail him rather effortlessly.

 

“Are you alright, sir?” The receptionist beside him asked with a gentle tone. “Sir, do you need anything? Water? Tea?”

 

“Oh, no. No, thank you.” Gavin let out the breath he didn’t know he’s been holding. Calming himself, he thought about how much importance there was in getting the movie done, in comparison to the emotional disturbances that he believed he’s already dealt with before Ryan even appeared in front of his sight again. The entire fiasco's a bump on the road, it shouldn’t be a big deal; Gavin’s gone through enough, and he wasn’t going to let Ryan throw him back to square one. No, Gavin has worked far too long and way too hard to simply let all that happen.

 

“Gavin?”

 

Meg stood there in a purple, curve-hugging dress. She was smiling with a subtle blush on her cheeks, and Gavin was reminded of how well things have been going on for him, what with landing another date with her.

 

Ryan could piss off, for all Gavin cared.

 

It was halfway through the dinner that his phone vibrated and flashed a text message from Gus: _‘The female lead bailed. Something about a family emergency. We’ll be holding auditions tomorrow, soonest possible. Are you going to join us?’_

 

He was about to type up a reply when he realized who he was sharing the table with. Across him was a rising household name on local television, and if having gone out with her twice proved she wasn't half as bad as tabloids made her appear to be, then there wasn't a need for another round of auditions. At the same time, there was something that clicked at the back of Gavin’s head upon coming up with such a spontaneous solution, indicating that it was either a rather brilliant plan or mostly a dangerous one. “Meg?”

 

“Yeah?” She looked up, her smile still as bright as when they first met.

 

“How would you like to be in a movie?”


	2. I Bet It Stung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin's convinced that Ryan has forgotten everything that ever happened between them.

When Gavin saw Ryan on the first day of taping, he couldn’t admit how difficult it was to pretend it didn’t affect him in any way. The actor was greeting everyone and Gavin noticed him offering to make coffee for Michael on the other side of the room. “I see he hasn’t changed,” Gavin murmured to himself. Ryan has always been a helping hand while they were still together, and seeing him act the same way after all the time that’s passed made the insides of Gavin’s stomach flutter. It was a little disconcerting but if he were honest, it was kind of sweet too.

 

God damn it though, it was not the right time to reminisce. It was _never_ going to be the right time to reminisce about Ryan, he reckoned.

 

So instead, Gavin instructed for the shooting to start in 3 minutes instead of 10. The staff started scrambling in haste, footsteps bouncing and voices blending in the studio.

 

“Hey.”

 

He turned to see Meg standing beside the chair he was sitting on. “Good morning, Meg.” Gavin stood, unsure as to whether or not it would be appropriate to be chummy with her. The last thing he needed was gossip in his set, really, but at the same time the lady in front of him – donning complete hair and make-up – looked like she was expecting something beyond words. So Gavin leaned in a little bit, landed a light hand at the bottom of her back, and pecked her cheek, “Feeling alright for your first day of shooting?”

 

“Oh, absolutely.” She smiled at him, their faces close. “So, you up for dinner again anytime soon?”

 

Gavin smiled. Times like these he was reminded that life has been better – so much better after he helped himself forget Ryan. “Of course. Why don’t we talk about it later?”

 

“Alright,” her eyes were suddenly focused behind Gavin, wide with delight as she bellowed. “Ryan! Hi!”

 

The soles of Gavin’s feet went cold upon hearing the name, the freezing sensation climbing all the way up his back. He willed to look over and pretend there wasn’t a numbing sensation taking over his bones, that he was nonchalant of Ryan’s nearby presence.

 

When Gavin took sight of Ryan however, he was caught a little off-guard. He expected Ryan to turn away as soon as he looked over, but he didn’t. There was something steely in the icy blue of his irises; his jaw was locked with tension yet his shoulders hunched in disinterest as well. Gavin expected the man to say something but nothing came out of his thin lips. Gavin couldn’t tell what the man was feeling. And it was odd, to say the least, because Gavin always knew how to read Ryan. But then again, time had the ability to drastically change people.

 

When Gavin realized he’d been staring, he immediately looked away like a piece of hot coal’s been thrown towards him. Gavin refused to lock eyes with Ryan for more than even split seconds after feeling the older’s eyes scrutinize him in return. And for a couple of awkward seconds, all three of them stood there, their entire environment going berserk while they waited for someone to cut through the bubble of silence.

 

Meg, aware of the sudden discomfort present amongst them, cheerfully spoke once more, “So!”

 

Gavin cleared his throat, “We should start.” And just like that he rounded up the staff, concentrated on his job like what he should have done in opposition to just letting Ryan watch him get close with Meg. Not that Gavin was worried about Ryan’s reaction; as far as he knew, that should be the least of his concerns. It was perfectly okay for Ryan to be aware that Meg could potentially enter a relationship with Gavin. In fact, it was _best_ that Ryan be aware of such a fact.

 

Yet, as Ryan stepped up to the set and the cameras started rolling, a nagging feeling at the back of Gavin’s chest began insisting to be recognized.

 

He ignored it at first, figured it must be the adrenaline pumping in his veins – from excitement, from nervousness and the fact that the expectations (according to Michael) have been set high prior to even rolling out the production.

 

On the fourth day of shooting however, the nagging feeling remained. And hard as he tried to convince himself otherwise, he knew it wasn’t the nerves taking over his senses at that point.

 

It continued to bother Gavin until the end of the week, when everyone declared exhaustion from running around and dealing with scenes over and over and over again. They’ve been shooting for 15 hours a day, that day being the sixth consecutive one. It also did not help that contrary to Gavin’s prediction, it turned out to be difficult to concentrate during Ryan’s scenes after all. One reason was because Meg was always there with him, the actors touching each other and getting into the moment as how the script instructed them to do so; the other, more prominent reason was the fact that Ryan so effortlessly took over the character in the script. It was raw, natural and so emotional that more than once, staff members came up to Ryan and applauded him about how so immersed he was in the role.

 

 _‘If only they knew.’_ Gavin shook his head, recalling about how much of an emotional whirlwind it was to write Ryan’s scenes. Writing him down meant having to capture him in the most profound way possible, and that meant he had to revisit his memories with the man. It meant Gavin had to go through everything all over again, the only difference being him on his own and having to accept that he too had been wrong along the way. It was never simply Ryan that caused their relationship to crumble; and even though admittedly they’ve never managed to pinpoint the sole reason why they fell apart, now Gavin was well aware that whatever he’d done added to the fire that was already burning.

 

There was a voice that gently broke Gavin’s train of thoughts. “You wanna grab something tonight, buddy?” Michael was smiling at him, the lights around the set being turned off one by one. The hand that Michael landed on Gavin’s shoulder was the most comforting thing, so simple yet so reassuring.

 

“Thanks, Michael, but maybe I’ll have a nap or something.” His smile was apologetic, worn-out. The bags under his eyes were most probably distinct, what with only the last few bulbs remaining as their source of light. Gavin didn’t bother to care if he looked like a zombie.

 

“Yeah, I figured. You look like you haven’t slept in 30 years.” And then Michael smiled, patted him on the shoulder once more, “Get some rest.”

 

“Thanks, you too.” He watched as Michael wave goodbye before walking up to Lindsay, who was waiting for him at the exit. They held hands and disappeared out of the set, leaving Gavin and what he guessed were 3 of the cleaners and 2 crew members that haven’t completely packed up yet. Michael and Lindsay’s image lingered in his mind, and then Gavin realized how close he was to forgetting what it was like to be in love with somebody.

 

The last time he was in a relationship, he couldn’t even recall. What Gavin could remember was that he dated somebody for a couple of months – mainly infatuation-based and kicked off well – just to prove that he didn’t need Ryan to move on with his life. It was shortly after however, that things just fell apart between him and his partner. The emotional baggage that he didn’t clear out because of Ryan manifested itself in such a short amount of time. Needless to say, the relationship did not end very well. He also realized that it wasn’t at all a guarantee that he won’t need Ryan to move on with his life.

 

When the remaining crew bid him goodbye, Gavin straightened up to wish them well on their way home. He sighed, the studio almost completely dark by then. The clock beamed a bright ‘11:32 PM’, making Gavin sigh once more before stretching his muscles out. Every muscle in his body felt battered despite not having done any physical work during their first week; how much more the crew in charge of the lighting and the cameras? People who made sure they had lunch and clean water and a good amount of toilet paper? And the make-up artists? The actors?

 

What about Ryan?

 

For a second, Gavin’s breath hitched at the thought of him. “No, no.” He was firm on his feet, his eyebrows meeting as he decided to walk over the room and grab his things and head home.

 

He turned around and there, midway the spot he stood and the neon ‘exit’ sign, was Ryan.

 

Gavin felt his breath hitch once again, only this time it was much more difficult to calm himself. It did not help that Ryan was staring straight into his eyes, even against the darkness Gavin could tell – he could tell that Ryan was looking at him, waiting for something or perhaps for nothing to be said. Again, Gavin’s ability to read Ryan has gone nothing but rusty.

 

And then Ryan took a few steps forward, not close enough for Gavin to drink in the age that grew in Ryan’s face, but it was a couple inches closer to where he was. And Gavin, for the life of him, couldn’t move. It was like immobility decided to make fun of him in front of this man he resented, disabled his functions and forced him to just face what he could coin as his worst nightmare.

 

It was a few seconds later that the tiniest hint of a smile crawled up the corner of Ryan’s lips before he whispered, “Good night, Gavin.” And then he started walking away. He didn’t wait for Gavin to say anything in return, didn’t expect anything at all, if Gavin could read him properly in the midst of haze.

 

* * *

 

Sleep that night was hard to come by. Gavin was so tired, completely depleted of the energy he had to regain in the morning. His eyelids were lazy, so close to just shutting tightly into oblivion, but the thought of that one man in the set was preventing him from getting some rest.

 

Ryan, he looked so calm and relaxed. He was the image of seamless emancipation.

 

To be fair, Gavin was, too, until he showed up and decided to sign a contract for the movie.

 

In hindsight, Ryan didn’t look like he’s been struggling with any turbulence that has happened between him and Gavin in the past. It was a good thing, if it meant that nothing would come between them during the production process. On top of that, having an emotionally stable lead actor meant Gavin could direct him faster and quicker; Ryan could learn without any conflict between them.

 

But then, a part of Gavin questioned: If Ryan moved on so flawlessly and so quickly, why didn’t he? It took Gavin _years_ to clear everything out his lungs, and Ryan didn’t look like he faced any problems at all.

 

It was a stupid thought, stupid and dumb and immature. But it was the thought that Gavin carried into his sleep, and the image of Ryan bidding him ‘good night’ in the dim space earlier that night was the sole, vivid image that burned behind his irises before everything faded into a calm void of nothingness.

 

* * *

 

By the time their second week of production kicked in, Gavin managed to clear out his head and focus on work. He was intent on getting a good portion of the movie done before another month rolls in. "And... cut!" He yelled in the middle of a scene that Meg couldn't seem to get right. Having been based on experience, the downside to the production was that Gavin was too meticulous as to how the acting was going to take place. Meg, she was easy to teach and hardly ever complained, but there were still some things that Gavin couldn't teach her. And it wasn't because Gavin didn't want to, he just _won't be able to_. Gavin looked over and saw that Meg looked exhausted, frustrated. "Okay, take 5."

 

There were shuffles and voices ringing everywhere as people moved in different directions. Gavin was about to walk over to his office when he noticed that Ryan was looking at him. He stopped himself from biting his lip - out of what emotion, he wasn't sure. Three seconds passed, and then five, and when it hit the seventh, Gavin couldn't stop himself, "Is there a problem?" It wasn't supposed to sound harsh but perhaps it did.

 

If Ryan was intimidated by that, he didn't show. In response, he pursed his lips and moved his head sideways, grabbed his roll of script and walked towards the restroom's direction.

 

It was when Gavin stood from his chair that he realized how weak in the knees he's suddenly gotten. And then he looked over, watched Ryan's back vanish through the doors, and felt something in his chest sting at the image.

 

* * *

 

One night after a long day of shooting, Gavin invited Michael and Lindsay over to his office for a little drink.

 

"It's been a while, folks." He raised the can of beer in his hand, cold and metallic to touch. "Cheers!"

 

"Cheers!" Lindsay and Michael simultaneously clinked their beverages together before chugging down at least half of it in one go.

 

"So Gavin," Michael began, leaning back into the soft couch of Gavin's office. "How's it going with Meg?"

 

Lindsay chimed in before he could respond, "I heard she wanted to go out with you again, did it ever happen?"

 

"Well," there was a small smile creeping up Gavin's features. "She did say she was interested to go out again but it's been kind of busy lately, you know?" Suddenly uneasy, Gavin took a sip of his beer. The image of Ryan's face flashed in his mind so briefly, Gavin wondered if he's already been done in with barely just a can in tow.

 

"She's a lovely lady," Lindsay began again. She gulped down her drink and continued, "I don't think you should wait--"

 

"Once she's famous because of your movie, it's gonna be hard to get through the long line of fanboys," Michael added playfully.

 

"I'm just--" Gavin was cut off by a couple of knocks on the door. "Who the bloody hell? It's past 10 o'clock, for Pete's sake--" The words coming out of his mouth automatically stopped upon seeing Ryan on the other side of the door. "R-Ryan?"

 

"Hey." There was no smile on his face this time, only a solid and unreadable expression on. Gavin couldn't read him again. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

 

If he was feeling it correctly, Gavin would vouch that his heartbeat was at a violent pace because of the alcohol, and alcohol alone. "Uh," he replied intelligently before turning to the two on the couch. Michael and Lindsay nodded in understanding and murmured something about not going anywhere. So Gavin stepped out, gently closed the door behind him to look at Ryan straight in the eyes, evened his breathing as he did so, "Is anything the matter?"

 

"I just wanted to ask something about the script."

 

Of course. Of course it was about work. Gavin didn't know why for a moment he expected otherwise. "What about it?"

 

"There's a scene here..."

 

When he trailed off and flipped through the pages, Gavin felt his breath pick up again. Was Ryan even aware what the script was based on? Gavin wasn't too sure; Ryan hasn't shown any hint that he cared about anything outside the production process anyway. And honestly, Gavin preferred to keep it that way.

 

Ryan finally found what he was looking for and started describing it to Gavin, "About the part where the two of them share their first kiss..."

 

Gavin listened intently, masked the lump on his throat that was starting to form. _'Wo_ _rk_ _queries_ , _nothing else.'_

 

"I think there's something wrong here. Why does Meg get to lean in instead of me?"

 

His mind was beginning to lose focus, blurring the lines between professional concerns and personal recollection. He didn't like it. He wanted to tell Ryan he didn't like any of it, and that there was nothing that he would approve of any change in the script, just to end the interaction with Ryan.

 

But then Ryan spoke again, "I think," his voice suddenly slowed down as he turned to look at Gavin straight in the eyes, "I think I was the one who kissed you first."

 

If it were possible to feel a cardiac arrest and still breathe while at it, Gavin was pretty sure he was going through it upon hearing Ryan's words. He fought so desperately to make his shallow breathing unnoticeable, which he was sure was obvious with the accompanying saucer-like eyes. He wanted to say something, respond as the writer and director, but whatever he felt like saying he knew was going to sound more of a personal recuperation than anything.

 

Ryan seemed to have noticed that Gavin was in no mood to respond. He cleared his throat and looked away, tucked his script back between his big hands and slowly said, "I'm sorry for suggesting something like that. I'll just..." His shoulders shrugged as he bit his lip, still keeping his eyes focused on anything but Gavin, "I'll see you tomorrow."

 

There was a part of Gavin that wanted to clarify whether or not what Ryan said was in reference to something Gavin has forgotten - deliberately or otherwise. But as much as Gavin itched to ask, he knew that it would light a spark to the memories he's already erased.

 

"Gavin?" Michael opened the door, face full of curiosity. "You done with Ryan over there? The ice is melting."

 

"Uh, yeah." A forced smile and an inaudible sigh, "Yeah, let's go back in then."

 

Before completely closing the door, Gavin looked back, somehow hoping that Ryan would appear again and state more corrections in the script.

 

 _Their_ script.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I realized I've been strictly writing this from Gavin's side only, which is kind of exciting? Ryan's side of the story might not be explained so elaborately, and I think I'll keep it that way. This is the first time I'm 100% hiding the perspective of the other half of the ship, hopefully it doesn't backfire or anything. LMAO
> 
> This is fun to write albeit sometimes I feel like I am on self-destruct mode because of the angst and all that, nonetheless I hope you're all enjoying this so far!


	3. Temperament Test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin was a fool for thinking that Ryan wouldn't become a distraction at work.

Gavin intently watched Meg through the monitor, looking for any detail he wanted to correct just in case. There wasn’t any dialogue for the scene, nor was there any particular interaction. It was just a couple of hours in a pub downtown, a scene that Gavin very much had to perfectly capture. Even without spoken words, it was important for the story's pace — it was important _for Gavin_.

 

The pub was decorated closest to how Gavin could remember its image when he was in New York. It had been humble, mellow, raw; drinks were pouring and the music had a certain tempo that made the pub amiable than provocative. Every detail he could incorporate from memory, he did, and he wasn't going to lie: even to that day, he could remember a lot.

 

After all, how could he forget when he first met Ryan?

 

It was a bit of a stretch to concentrate on the atmosphere he wanted Meg to capture through the lens when he could feel Ryan’s presence heavily distracting him from behind. He’d been watching her, Gavin could tell, and it was definitely a good thing that he observe. It would benefit him in the long run to pay attention and know when to enter the scene, at least Gavin wouldn’t have to go through excessive lengths to instruct him on that part.

 

Although in hindsight, (and despite Gavin not wanting to think about the possibility of it) he was certain Ryan already had an idea of how the scene was going to flow. _'He should at least be able to recall bits and pieces'_ , Gavin thought. His eyes were still on Meg, liked the feeling she was emitting for the past 20 seconds, her gaze aimlessly pondering like the tourist she was supposed to play. After a couple more seconds though, Ryan still hasn’t entered the shot, which led to Gavin sighing audibly, “Cut.”

 

Meg turned to them apologetically, “I’m sorry, I can do it again—”

 

“No, no. You were lovely, Meg. Well done.” Gavin forced a small smile before irritably turning to the actor who still stood behind his chair. “What were you up to?” He tried to tone his voice down, he really did, but he knew just from the way some of the crew looked over that he failed at doing that. “Weren’t you supposed to approach her ages ago? Or did you forget—”

 

"I didn't forget." Ryan simply looked at him, face void of any particular emotion, “I would never.”

 

The answer was so simple, so vague and yet it spoke so many things to Gavin — probably more than it should have. He cleared his throat, tried to pretend that what Ryan said simply referred to the script. “Alright. Let’s try that again then.” Gavin didn’t wait for Ryan to respond. He simply turned to Meg again and marked the part to be shot before yelling, “Action!”

 

But for the second time, Ryan didn’t enter the shot when Gavin expected him to. This time, he stood and faced the actor, noted that the crew grew uneasy from his peripheral; Michael was at a fighting stance in one corner, Lindsay holding a mobile phone close to her face. Another unhappy breath from Gavin and he looked at Ryan in the eyes, “What are you playing at, wasting film and time like this?”

 

There was the slightest smirk from the corner of Ryan’s mouth, almost invisible that Gavin would’ve missed it if there weren’t still an ounce of familiarity in his system. And then Ryan spoke, still with a calm tone, “Is it okay if I watch from the monitor? Beside you, that is.”

 

Gavin looked at him curiously, “What—”

 

“There’s just something I want to suggest. Then I’m gonna get in the shot, I promise.”

 

The caution in his request was notable, and Gavin couldn’t refuse. Very confused eyes were on them, and the crew was obviously getting impatient, so Gavin mumbled something unpleasant before huffing back into his chair. “Don’t waste any more film. We’re on budget.” He heard Ryan reply with an affirmative, felt him move next to him, and then for the nth time he signaled everyone to redo the scene all over again.

 

Around 5 seconds into the part where Meg was internalizing by the counter, Gavin heard Ryan mutter, “See that right there?” Gavin glanced at him briefly before gluing his eyes to where Ryan was looking at, the monitor showing a bust shot of the actress. Ryan continued, “It’s a little bit lackluster for me. She has to be more antsy than that but she has to be magnetic while doing it.”

 

A little taken aback at the input, Gavin turned to look at him again. This time, he wasn’t planning on tearing his eyes away from Ryan’s face. “What are you trying to say?”

 

Ryan finally managed to lock their gazes. The camera was still rolling and the set was almost eerily quiet when he spoke, “I’m just saying if I were to walk in a bar, _that_ would be the kind of person I’d approach. I won’t waste time talking to just anyone, might as well be attractive if I’m gonna buy that person a drink.”

 

There was so much weight in his words, Gavin noted. And if previously he thought the professional line between them resembled that of the Great Wall of China, boy was he feeling the complete opposite now. Gavin gulped when he noticed that Ryan wasn’t going to break their eye contact any time soon, so he turned to Meg again, who looked like a kicked puppy upon hearing Ryan’s words. “No, no. Don’t listen to Ryan. You’re doing great!” The air in the room was rather uneasy however, so Gavin called in for another short break, 2 minutes at most. There were hushed cusses that spewed from Gavin’s mouth as people dispersed, and then he looked over to Ryan and lowered his voice again, “It’s just a bloody movie, don’t make it so difficult for everyone. Can you do that?”

 

With a raised eyebrow, Ryan asked, " _Just_ a movie, is that what this is?"

 

Gavin felt his heart skip a beat at that. It was hard for him to disguise his reaction, especially with his voice breaking, "Y-yeah."

 

In an almost underwhelming way, Ryan did nothing else but shrug. “I’m just saying, I would not have sat beside you in that bar in New York if I didn't find you attractive. What's so difficult about that?” And then he grabbed his script, turned on his heel like it was nothing.

 

Gavin was livid, honestly he was, and he would have exploded at the man if it weren’t for the fact that the violent blushing of his cheeks kind of implied otherwise.

 

* * *

 

When the scene at the pub finally found resolution, Gavin thought the rest of the production was going to get better. It wasn't so much that Ryan was the problem; Gavin didn't like that he interfered (for personal reasons) but slowly he's learned to accept that it could bear good fruit for the film in the long run, so he allowed it.

 

It had been a particularly snappy day for Gavin when another dilemma fogged his pace.

 

“Cut!” Gavin shouted for the nth time that day, and it was already a little too late into the night. He noticed the crew groan exasperatedly almost all at once, and he wanted to snap at them if he weren’t so distracted by other things, exhaustion being one of those. A rather tense set of fingers ran through the mess that was Gavin’s hair, before he looked at Meg and Ryan on set again, and stopped dead at what he actually wanted to achieve by prolonging the shooting process.

 

“Gavin?” Meg started carefully. Her mascara was being retouched, which barely covered the stress in her eyes. She looked obviously impatient yet she tried so hard to be as careful as she could. “What is it I’m doing wrong this time?”

 

A shrug and he flatly replied, “Everything, really.” He sighed and looked at Ryan, who had an expectant look on his face, almost like he wanted Gavin to scold him as well. But Gavin didn’t. It took a simple glare towards Ryan’s direction for the actor to clear his throat and avert his gaze. Gavin could only sigh again. “Alright, places, and… action!”

 

Lines were exchanged between Meg and Ryan, lines that Gavin particularly were fond of if he were to admit, and then one of them was leaning in, their faces so close and so intimate that it was convincing, until, “Cut!”

 

This time, Meg was unable to restrain the loud groan that echoed through her lips. Some voices from behind Gavin audibly remarked, “that was such a good atmosphere set up there, why did he cut it off?” And honest to god, Gavin himself didn’t know the answer to the question. It started to upset him that unnecessary delays were getting in the way of progress but at the same time, every time Meg and Ryan would get too close, something inside Gavin itched to break them apart from each other.

 

When Gavin stepped out of the set for a little air, he was well aware that it was jealousy that was stopping him from taping the kissing scene properly.

 

Of whom he was jealous of however, he wasn’t quite certain.

 

* * *

 

It took a lot of help from Gus and some producers like Geoff and Jack to get Gavin to properly coordinate the schedule. It was an ordeal for him to explain to them why he was having so much trouble with production; of course, it would never be an easy task if word got out that the movie he was filming was based on his romantic history with the movie's main actor himself. That would be a suicidal move and inevitably would cause more loss than benefits for everybody.

 

For the first couple of weeks, Gavin refused to admit that Ryan was slowly becoming a distraction but he knew, god did he know that he was a right fool for even denying it. The thing of the matter though, was he appreciated how Ryan would offer inputs into the script because 1) at times, it actually sped up the process more than the other way around and 2) it opened Gavin's eyes to a lot of the things Ryan never told him while they were still together.

 

The prime example being Ryan's impression when they first met in New York. Gavin never knew that that was how Ryan saw him; Ryan was never one to get sappy while they were still together, the man certainly didn't get sentimental even when they were alone. Needless to say, the initial agitation Gavin had transformed into a fluttery feeling in his chest, leaving him unable to properly sleep that night.

 

It was incredible how Gavin had moved on, and yet one thing about Ryan made Gavin shift uncomfortably in his seat. He glanced up the clock, 10:08 PM, and turned his gaze right back to the monitor in front of him. Almost everyone had packed up that night, heading off for their chance at rest on the weekend, while Gavin couldn't be bothered in his chair, his chin resting on his palm. The clips shot that day were playing in sequence on the screen, and Gavin felt his eyebrows furrow every time Ryan would say any of his lines. "He's gotten better at this," he slowly shook his head, still focused on the scenes rolling.

 

The last time he witnessed Ryan's acting prowess was when he attended one of his plays in Georgia roughly 4 years ago. It was a Shakespearean play, and the accent that Ryan wore for the show was still so clear in Gavin's head, simply because he was shocked at how Ryan could channel different personas in him like that. Ryan stood out rather easily onstage, Gavin could still recall, which was why it hardly shocked him to see how so many ladies walked up to Ryan for photos and autographs after the show. Gavin had been jealous back then, seeing around 7-8 women gang up on his partner, unable to really stop them from doing so. Gavin wondered how many women suffocated Ryan on a regular basis after he got out of theater and moved to the big screen, and briefly, for the shortest of seconds Gavin also wondered if he would still remember the pangs of jealousy if ever he witnessed it right before his eyes.

 

"Hey Gavin."

 

Gavin looked up at the source of the sweet voice, Meg smiling down at him. She looked as tired as everybody, especially without any of her make-up, the fancy clothes replaced with a basic tee and a pair of jeans. "Hi Meg." He didn't bother standing up, didn't deem it necessary.

 

"So..." Meg meekly trailed off. "Are we still going to have dinner together?"

 

The hesitation in her voice filled Gavin with guilt. He promised to take her out again, he promised it some time ago yet he couldn't remember not thinking about Ryan every time he'd actually try and make reservations for the two of them. It was really unfair for Meg, she was a nice girl and he genuinely liked her, but something about Ryan's presence irked the life out of Gavin. It was literally immobilizing him the more he thought about it. "I'm sorry, Meg." This time, he walked over in front of her, took both her hands in his and whispered, "I'm really sorry, it's just been difficult and the time's never right. I know you're tired from all the filming," he looked at her in the eyes, her pair disappointed yet comfortingly understanding, "it's really just not adding up lately. I should not have led you on—"

 

"It's okay," Meg squeezed both Gavin's hands. "It's okay, Gavin. I like you but I understand what you're saying. And I'm not going to push for things that obviously can't work out." There was a forced chuckle from her, "At least, not at the moment."

 

Gavin let out a sigh of relief despite feeling like shit. What he said was true, everything was just out of place, but a very far back part of his mind told Gavin that Ryan had also contributed to his decision to not date her at the moment. And Gavin was not happy about it.

 

A noise from the other side of the set caught their attention, and when Gavin saw Ryan standing there looking at them, he couldn't let go of Meg's hands any faster. "Ryan..."

 

The expression on his face was unreadable again. He shifted his gaze from Gavin to Meg and back to Gavin, "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt."

 

"No," Gavin didn't know why he felt the urge to defend himself, "You weren't interrupting."

 

A beat hadn't even passed when Ryan replied, "Don't be ridiculous." His voice was leveled, lips upturned in a smile, "I'll see you next week. Good night." And just like that he waved at them both, walked over to the door and disappeared.

 

It should have relieved Gavin, of all things it should have given him assurance that Ryan was not going to get in the way of the two of them. If anything, Ryan implying that he wasn't about to interfere between them was supposed to be a good thing, wasn't it?

 

And yet when Gavin closed his eyes in bed that night, all he could think about was how much he'd rather prefer it if Ryan interfered instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Intended for this to be full-blown angst and tension but the more I write, the more I feel like the dramatic side is slipping away? ;-; Anyway, thank you for all the kudos and subscriptions; please let me know in the comments if the mood is all over the place or if it's getting less interesting in any way, and I'll have a go and fix that immediately for you. Cheers.


	4. Of Cakes and Elevators

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His relationship with Ryan suddenly got so much better, but then again things never really added up perfectly for Gavin.

Gavin was growing impatient.

 

It’s been 10 whole minutes of waiting for Ryan so they can resume filming. He looked over and saw the actor taking photos with fans, signing autographs and smiling so widely Gavin almost made gagging sounds at the image. The crew didn’t look like they were bothered by it – Meg was talking to a couple of girls, fans as well, probably – but Gavin? Gavin wasn’t very happy that Ryan was taking his time having a little fan-meet at the park. And it didn’t help that the temperature was beginning to rise that week; it was going to get uncomfortable the longer they waited.

 

Gavin stared with creased eyebrows. Ryan was shaking one of the fans’ hands, draping his fit arm around her shoulder as they both posed for a photo. He noticed that Ryan simply accommodated, mingled with every fan who came up for a little time with him, which was nice on its own but god damn that was the entire reason why they’re a little behind schedule. Every time somebody from the crew would tell Ryan they had to shoot, all he did was smile at them with that stupidly charming smile of his and say, “Just give us a minute, dear, please?” and of course Gavin’s people – both the males and females – would just blush so hard at that and nod away. Gavin refused to do it himself, to come up to Ryan and pull him back so they could carry on because 1) he was the director, he had other important tasks to pay attention to; and 2) Gavin was afraid of what his reaction might be if ever Ryan used his charm card on him. God knows Gavin did not need to blush like a clumsy teenager despite having some good excuse (such as the weather) to blame it on, if ever.

 

But it’s been way too long, and nobody seemed capable of approaching Ryan anymore. So he got off his chair and was about to walk towards where Ryan stood, when a woman approached the actor out of nowhere. She was with a child, probably around the age of 4, her daughter reaching over to grab at the knees of Ryan’s pants. Ryan laughed before taking the girl in his arms, cradling her against his broad chest. Gavin distinctly heard the woman say, “she seems to like you,” followed by Ryan laughing and hugging the kid in his arms. And then Gavin, who was seemingly cemented on his spot, felt all the irritation in his system ebb away at the scene that unfolded before him.

 

It was around two and a half years into their relationship when Ryan brought up the possibility of having a family with Gavin. He could still remember it, so clear-cut of an imprint in his memory, when they arrived at their shared apartment after a nice dinner. Ryan was holding him close as they watched TV when he whispered, “How do you feel about children, Gavin?” Initially, Gavin was taken aback but it didn’t take even a minute for him to slowly melt into a puddle of endearment when Ryan kissed his cheek and said, “What if we adopt? We can have a little girl running around the house, we can take care of her, be good parents. What do you say?” And how could Gavin forget that when he simply nodded and kissed Ryan on the lips, chaste and slow and just  _loving_  in every way.

 

Until that very moment of seeing Ryan with a child, after so many years, he thought about the feasibility of a family; only, he didn’t keep his hopes up that it would still happen with Ryan. Not after everything that happened between them.

 

Gavin hadn’t realized he’d been standing there far too long with a rather ragged pace of breathing until Michael called out of nowhere, “You okay, Gav?”

 

“Y-yeah,” he cleared his throat and shoved the little dumb memory into the far end of his skull, “I’m good, just a little bit uncomfortable. Bloody heat’s rising.”

 

“I can see that. Your cheeks got all red all of a sudden.” Michael pointed out with an innocent forefinger. “Ryan’s been with his fans for a while, man. You want me to get him for you?”

 

It sounded like a generous offer and he was about to say ‘yes’ until he saw that Ryan was still carrying the little girl in his arms. Gavin, for the life of him – he  _knew_  it wasn’t a good idea – still wanted to walk forward and see it up-close, “I’ll get him, Michael. Thanks.” When Michael nodded, Gavin did too, “Get everyone in their places, yeah? This won’t take long.”

 

With a determined expression, and a whole mindset of ignoring how adorable Ryan looked with a child in his arms (he really did look adorable like that, even more than Gavin thought he would) Gavin tapped him rather harshly on the shoulder. His hands were shoved inside the pockets of his jeans as he spoke, “When you’re bloody done with your little PR event over here, come on over and start filming, yeah?” Gavin didn’t wait for a response, didn’t bother checking the look on Ryan’s face upon saying what he said. He simply turned around and walked back to his chair, huffing out in impatience. A couple of seconds later there were collective ‘thanks’ and ‘nice meeting you’s from where Ryan was, and Gavin let out a little triumphant smile at the sound of feet dispersing from the shooting area. Looking over at Meg, whose fans left right as Ryan’s did, Gavin straightened up in his seat and called to her, “You ready, love?”

 

Meg smiled towards his direction, “Absolutely.”

 

Ryan stepped into the frame and stood a few feet across Meg.

 

Gavin took a deep breath, remembering the memories of the scene they were about to record, before forcefully letting out a stern tone, “Places, everybody!”

 

* * *

 

“Happy birthday, buddy!” Michael pulled him in a very tight embrace, Lindsay following right after. Gavin’s entire production team stood in front of him with banners and gifts and drinks in their hands, gleeful smiles abound at the successful surprise party they threw for him. Gavin laughed when Michael bellowed, “Let’s get smashed tonight!” And then Gavin’s ears were filled with deafening cheers and the sound of pouring drinks; there were pats on his back and hugs left and right. Everybody who was working regularly with him for the past couple of months seemed to be there, celebrating his special day.

 

But Gavin looked around and there was no trace of Ryan anywhere.

 

He couldn’t hide his disappointment at the absence. _‘No, this is for the best. Everybody’s here, it’s one bloke who couldn’t make it, Gavin. Shake it off.’_  He shut his eyes tight and shook his head, a smile on his face plastered when he joined some of the guys in charge of the lights and microphones. It was a generally festive night, and Gavin almost forgot about his main actor until somebody – Ray, perhaps – shouted, “Ryan! You’re finally here!”

 

Gavin’s head snapped at the name so quickly, he was sure he would’ve broken it if he weren’t any more careful. Walking over towards where said man entered, Gavin stopped dead at the sight of Ryan soaked with a rather large box on the other hand. Ryan was staring at him. This time though, the older’s eyes were gentle and approachable, and a small smile was starting to form along his lips upon seeing Gavin. For a second, Gavin’s heart skipped a beat, silence suddenly dawning upon the entire room.

 

“Ryan, dude, you’re fucking wet!” Michael, who sounded intoxicated, entered the fray with a nearly empty bottle of beer. He snatched the colorful box from the actor’s hand and shouted to somebody in the kitchen, “Somebody get this valiant man a fucking towel! He didn’t go all the way to the next city and got Gavin’s cake for nothing, alright?”

 

“W-what?” Gavin wasn’t sure he heard correctly. He wasn’t sure what was going on, in general. “Ryan—” But the man was already covered in a bunch of towels, tossed by some of the crew as they all laughed and told Ryan where he could dry himself off. “What just happened?” Gavin whispered to nobody in particular.

 

Ray was the first to respond, “He bought your cake, man.” There was a bottle of water in his hand, a slice of pizza on the other, “Ryan insisted even though we wanted to get it, said he knew a good place to get the best pastry. I think the shop’s like, 50 minutes away from here? Not sure.”

 

Gavin sighed, smiled meekly at Ray with a low, “Thanks.” When Ray walked towards where Kerry and Caleb were gathered, Gavin couldn’t help but think about which place it might have been. Some months before they broke up, Ryan brought him pastries after a short theater stint in the state. Gavin remembered liking it a lot, so much so that Ryan insisted ordering a ton of batches for their anniversary that year. _‘If he brought the cake from that same store, I swear to god.’_ Gavin angrily walked over towards the kitchen, nervous and enraged and all sorts of disbelieving.

 

People started singing ‘happy birthday’ when they noticed him walk in, and Gavin pulled off a fake smile before eagerly opening the box. By the time the song ended, Gavin noticed how familiar the imprint of the label was on the underside of the box.

 

It was from that same store that Ryan used to buy from. Just because Gavin said he liked it. Once.  _‘That right prick.’_

 

The cake was (un)evenly distributed some minutes after that. Gavin however, refused to eat any of it. He was sitting on a high stool by the island’s counter, just looking at the cake like it were an abomination that had to disappear from the face of the planet.

 

Yeah, Gavin could say he didn’t like it. He didn’t like that Ryan still remembered that small fact about him, about how he liked that shop and everything they baked. He didn’t like that despite Ryan not really saying it out loud, Gavin knew that him purchasing that cake was not a coincidence without context. The shop was too far from their area to be a first choice for pastry.

 

“Watching your weight?”

 

The familiar voice made Gavin look at his side. There stood Ryan, hair completely dry and sticking out in some directions. Gavin refused to maintain eye contact, though he couldn’t find the will to leave and ignore him altogether. “Not a fan of this flavour is all.” His reply was flat as he reached for his bottle of beer and took a big gulp from it.

 

“Oh.” Ryan simply said.

 

Gavin thought he should just leave, spend time with the others on the opposite side of the place. But when he heard the scraping of another stool’s legs, he knew it wasn’t going to happen. He tensed up a little bit when he noticed from his peripheral that Ryan was sitting right next to him, slicing a small portion of the cake for himself. Another downing of his alcohol and Gavin was about to jump off his seat when words he didn’t want to hear echoed against the kitchen walls.

 

“I thought you liked this shop’s pastry.” Ryan casually said, his voice a little bit hushed than earlier. “But then again, your preferences could’ve changed over the years.”

 

Gavin stared at him. He wasn’t sure what he should say, or if he should say anything at all. It wasn’t like he had time to banter with Ryan about their past. It was his birthday, for heaven’s sake. He sighed audibly before settling with a safe answer, reiterating, “Not a fan of that flavour.”

 

“I guess your preferences did change.” Ryan finished his cake quickly. He turned to Gavin, elbows flat against the surface, his smile even wider this time, “Mine didn’t.”

 

Just from the way Ryan smiled as their gazes locked, Gavin knew he was already blushing. There was a distinct rising of heat that went straight to his cheeks with that answer, once again something Gavin knew he shouldn’t put so much thought into unless he wanted to go back to square one. “Whatever floats your boat,” he tried to not croak as he replied. Then he noticed the little stain of icing right under Ryan’s lower lip. He didn’t think it were appropriate to touch him. “You’ve got a little,” he gestured towards his own face, Ryan imitating him as he did so, “a little bit to your left— lower, no, higher.”

 

“Is it gone?” Ryan wiped practically  _everywhere_  but the dirty spot on his face.

 

Gavin cursed under his breath and mentally kicked himself in the shin before reaching over with a slightly trembling hand, “Here.” The sparks that ignited on his skin upon touching Ryan surprised Gavin. It had been months since they started shooting but it was the first time that his skin touched Ryan’s, and how electrocuted he felt just from such a small gesture made both his heart and mind race. Nothing was a bigger red flag than that. “There,” he retracted his hand as quickly as he could, turning away to hide the flushed color of his skin. It was dumb, and it was unfair how something so small made Gavin feel like it should be such a big deal.

 

“Hey?” Ryan’s voice was barely above a whisper. Gavin turned cautiously to look at him. The smile on the older man’s face was as soft as Gavin could remember, and then everything was in slow motion as Ryan began to lean forward, “Happy birthday.”

 

When Gavin felt Ryan’s lips on his cheek, he froze. There was a sudden rush of adrenaline in his veins, his heart skipping so many beats he wasn’t even sure how he was still breathing.

 

Ryan pulled back and looked at him. There was an unspoken tension in the air, the loud music suddenly muffled and everything a blur. Gavin swallowed the lump in his throat, his eyes threatening to spill tears of mixed emotions. He sat there, unmoving, watched as Ryan ever so carefully reached over to take his hand. The touch ignited something in Gavin again, this time much more intense – a mix of warning signals and colorful fireworks swimming in his bloodstream. For a second he let the feeling sink in, and he realized he wanted to touch Ryan too, but a bigger part of him refused strongly. Gavin couldn’t,  _wouldn’t_. Something in him wanted to simply run away because slowly but surely he knew, he was absolutely sure that if another minute passed with their little moment uninterrupted, Gavin would soon realize that he hasn’t completely moved on from Ryan just yet.

 

Without a word, Ryan pulled him into an embrace, whispered against his ear, “Happy birthday, Gavin.” The hold was warm and the greeting sincere, and it made Gavin want to push him away, but at the same time he wanted Ryan to just hold him close, never let him go ever again.

 

It was ridiculous, Gavin thought. And it made him afraid, more than anything. The feeling of having pushed Ryan’s everything away from his entire being, just be rekindled from two minutes of being alone with him. He wished he had just upped and left when Ryan took a seat next to him, he really did. It pained him to know that Ryan was there, right against his chest, fingertips tracing his back with such warmth that wasn’t foreign at all – Gavin hated that he couldn’t find the strength in him, no matter how much he tried, to walk away from this man. He thought he had gathered enough courage over the years in order to move on, but such a short span of time proved Gavin otherwise. He cursed and stopped himself from shedding even a single tear, and tried to assure himself of the thought that anything would be better a situation if Ryan weren’t in it.

 

Because Gavin, albeit despising the idea alone, couldn’t deny that no matter how many years would pass, nothing would ever change the fact that Ryan was his first true love.

 

There was no easy way of getting over that, and Gavin couldn’t hate himself more for realizing so.

 

* * *

 

At the end a particularly long day, Gavin ended up getting some drinks with Michael, Lindsay and Meg in his office. It was about 4 bottles in when Lindsay announced she had to drive herself and Michael home while she was still capable of doing so. Meg stayed behind, lazily sat next to Gavin as they continued to drink in silence.

 

Even while Meg’s hand was caressing his thigh, Gavin’s mind wandered to the thought of Ryan.

 

After their little moment on his birthday, Gavin found it much easier to move around the set and direct the actors. Of course, he was afraid – he was  _terrified_  of what’s in store for him now that he and Ryan were on casual speaking terms again. But between takes they would smile at each other, give light nudges and playful looks from across the room, and it appeased Gavin in ways he hasn’t felt in so many years. To know that Ryan didn’t hate him was a big relief, and to know that they were still friends despite their bittersweet past made Gavin feel like a much more matured person. He could coexist platonically with a former lover like a civilized human being, and damn right he was proud of that.

 

There was a time after the party when Ryan came into his office in the middle of the day and asked how he was. Gavin stared at the man like a ghost, thought about how odd it was that he was there initiating small talk during work hours. Ryan only shrugged, said he didn’t have to be on set until another hour, smiled at him as he got comfortable on the long couch in the room. “I’m just asking how you are,” was Ryan’s simple reasoning, to which Gavin chuckled at. They talked for a solid couple of minutes that day, and Gavin thought it was unbelievable how friendly they both have turned out, neither bringing up the topic of what they’ve gone through together. Gavin couldn’t have been more thankful.

 

Ryan helped a lot more with the scripts since then, correcting him every now and then in some scenes, pitching in ideas without hints of being vile or pointing fingers between them two. It was personally going all too well for them, like they’ve never gone through a crooked road and have split somewhere down a path, and it hasn’t stopped fascinating Gavin at how calm they remained within each other’s presence. He never thought some cake and a little hug would be the remedy for the storm he’s gone through. Never in a million years.

 

Earlier that week, Ryan came up to him after shooting and said, “Can we change some things in this scene? Do you have time?” It was an important scene from where Ryan first had to jump back and forth states for his theater career. It hit a sore spot in Gavin when Ryan brought it up, saying he wanted to do some minor alterations on how it went, because it was the start of the fallout in their relationship. But Gavin manned up anyway, knew it was strictly of a professional context, and then told Ryan it was definitely okay if they had a little chat about the scene. Needless to say, their meeting brought up some arguments and awkward silences; it was out of the question for their past to be discussed like so, it was so much like working out a closure without actually acknowledging the situation on an emotional level. The unspoken indefinites of that were obvious enough for them both.

 

Gavin didn’t mind. The exchange of ideas was always refreshing for him, and it made him realize some things he might have missed while they were still together. He didn’t mind that Ryan was somewhat a friend to him again, although he knew he had to take extra precaution at some point, because if he’s watched enough romantic films like any other director has, he knew that old feelings will resurface between exes if given enough time to circulate within each other’s territories.

 

Which was precisely what happened when Ryan offered to drive him home after their meeting. Gavin wanted to say ‘no’ at first, but then he looked at Ryan and saw something akin to home in his face, something so nostalgic and comforting, something he didn’t know he missed that ultimately led to him saying ‘okay’ in the end. Things didn’t escalate between them after that, much to Gavin’s relief. But he was going to be a big liar if he didn’t say it made his heart swell in content when Ryan sent him a text after driving off, “It feels nice to talk to you again. Good night, Gavin.” Despite knowing the risks, Gavin responded with a similar text message, followed by an urge to bang his head against the concrete wall. Unexpectedly, another message from Ryan came shortly after, “Can I drive you home again tomorrow? And the day after that? And after that?” and Gavin really could have just gotten himself ran over when he replied with an affirmative. He hated himself for getting too comfortable but really, who was he kidding, he couldn’t find himself doing otherwise anyway.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Meg broke the silence, downing a little bit more of her drink. Her hand was still pasted on Gavin’s thigh.

 

 _‘Ryan.’_  Gavin sighed, “Nothing.”

 

She hummed, patted his knee, “You sleepy? Want me to drive you home?” Her hiccups were more than one reason to indicate how drunk she was.

 

Ryan was driving him home that night, too. Big surprise. “Uh, no need.” Gavin straightened up. His head spun a little bit but he managed to stand and grab his phone, seeing Ryan’s ‘be there in 5’ text right on time. “Right,” he cleared his throat and offered Meg a hand. She herself seemed to be woozy, barely able to keep her balance intact. “Shall we?”

 

Meg simply nodded as Gavin turned the lights off. They were supporting each other as they walked all the way to the elevator. The parking lot was only 4 floors down but Gavin was sure that with the state they were in – him and Meg a tangle of limbs trying to balance each other – it was going to be disastrous to even attempt going down the stairs. When they loaded the elevator, Meg was instantaneously pressed against Gavin’s chest. Her entire weight was literally on him, drunken noises emitting from her mouth, half-lidded eyes out of focus. Gavin clasped a hand around her waist, supporting her as he reached over to hit the ‘G’ button.

 

“Gavin,” she slurred, the name dragging out exaggeratedly.

 

Gavin only looked down, first curious but suddenly alarmed when she started to possessively embrace him. He knew she was drunk but something about her sticking to him like glue told Gavin it was not a good excuse to not keep her at a reasonable distance. Before he managed to push her away however, her lips were already pressed against his, both her hands strongly holding either side of his face. She was biting and using her tongue, and Gavin’s senses were not intact, and then there was a loud ‘ding’ as the elevator door opened.

 

“Gavin?” Ryan, with wide eyes like a deer caught in the headlights, was standing there on the other side.

 

It took every fiber of Gavin’s being to not hurt Meg when he stopped what she was doing. She was easily jellied against Gavin’s side, laughing and obviously unaware of what was happening. Gavin however, seemed to have gone sober when he realized that Ryan saw what happened. “Ryan, I’m—”

 

“I’m sorry but,” His tone was caught in-between apologetic and irritated. Then he let out a breath, ran his fingers through his hair, “If I had known you two were—”

 

Gavin stepped out of the elevator, Meg still slumped against him. “You’ve got it all wrong, Ryan—”

 

“Gavin, let’s go home,” Meg butted in, loud and clear, clear enough for Ryan to flinch. “I wanna go home with you.”

 

“Oh,” Ryan’s tone dropped an octave, shoulders suddenly slumped. Something hard took over his gaze as he began to step back, “I really apologize for the intrusion.”

 

The alcohol made everything even more distorted for Gavin. He couldn’t properly come up with a response, he didn’t know whether it would be more sensible to reach over to Ryan than hold on to Meg, “Ryan, just, wait. Please.”

 

The older man was already walking away when he said, “I’ll just call a cab so you two can get home safely, okay?”

 

There were both indignation and disappointment when Ryan looked at them one last time.

 

Gavin didn’t know which one was worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was an emotional roller coaster for me to write, hopefully it was somewhere close to what it felt like while reading it too. I'll probably update every week, in addition to "The Courtesan," although like I've initially mentioned, I cannot promise how frequent updates are going to be. Anyway, thank you for the subscriptions, bookmarks, kudos and comments, I will never stop appreciating them. ♥


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